January 10th, 1982
Death of actor/comedian Paul Lynde
Lynde was a huge part of the original Hollywood Squares TV show, most notably for being barely in the closet about his homosexuality. His one-liner jokes were some of the filthiest, dirty-minded, black-humored ever aired on network television. He also served as the inspiration of the alien character Roger on American Dad. Below are some choice selections of Lynde’s quips from Squares:
Peter Marshall: According to the old song, “At night, when you’re asleep, into your tent I’ll creep.” Who am I?
Paul Lynde: The scoutmaster!
Peter Marshall: In the movies, Frankenstein’s monster was always big and ugly. And he had lots of scars. What was his biggest fear?
Paul Lynde: That the girls would be turned off by his big nuts!
Peter Marshall: According to research at USC, is it okay for your marriage to fantasize that your wife is Farrah Fawcett Majors?
Paul Lynde: If that doesn’t work, try Lee Majors!
Peter Marshall: Paul, what is the primary problem that develops with men’s zippers?
Paul Lynde: Rust.
Peter Marshall: Is it possible to drink too much water?
Paul Lynde: Yes, it’s called drowning!
Peter Marshall: During the 18th century it was common for a bride to sell something at her wedding reception to help pay for the cost of the wedding. What did she sell?
Paul Lynde: Her first born.
Peter Marshall: Pride, anger, covetousness—I can never say that—lust, gluttony, envy, and sloth are collectively known as what?
Paul Lynde: The Bill of Rights.
Peter Marshall: According to the song classic, “Things aren’t always as bad as they seem if you…” do what?
Paul Lynde: Put a bag over her head.
Peter Marshall: In “Alice in Wonderland”, who kept crying “I’m late, I’m late?”
Paul Lynde: Alice, and her mother is sick about it.
Peter Marshall: True or false…research indicates that Columbus liked to wear bloomers and long stockings.
Paul Lynde: It’s not easy to sign a crew up for six months…
Peter Marshall: It’s well known that small amounts of female hormones are found in the male body. Are male hormones ever found in the female body?
Paul Lynde: Occasionally.
Peter Marshall: In the “Wizard of Oz,” the lion wanted courage and the tin man wanted a heart. What did the scarecrow want?
Paul Lynde: He wanted the tin man to notice him.
Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body— what is it?
Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn’t neglected!
Peter Marshall: Paul, for a thousand dollars and a tie game, according to psychologists, do most people sleep better in their street clothes than in their pajamas?
Paul Lynde: Yeah, we call them winos.
Peter Marshall:True or false. George jessel has a 9 year old daughter.
Paul Lynde: False. It’s his girlfriend.
Peter Marshall: Eva Gabor says she dislikes a particular word because it signals the end of something that started out so beautifully. What word?
Paul Lynde: Pregnant.
Peter Marshall: Paul, what profession is the most common for prostitutes after they retire?
Paul Lynde: Smuggling!