VILLAINESS AMBITION
January 10th, 1982
Death of actor/comedian Paul Lynde
Lynde was a huge part of the original Hollywood Squares TV show, most notably for being barely in the closet about his homosexuality.  His one-liner jokes were some of the filthiest, dirty-minded, black-humored ever aired on network television.  He also served as the inspiration of the alien character Roger on American Dad.  Below are some choice selections of Lynde’s quips from Squares:
Peter Marshall:  According to the old song, “At night, when you’re asleep, into your tent I’ll creep.”  Who am I?Paul Lynde:  The scoutmaster!
Peter Marshall:  In the movies, Frankenstein’s monster was always big and ugly.  And he had lots of scars.  What was his biggest fear?  Paul Lynde:  That the girls would be turned off by his big nuts!
Peter Marshall:  According to research at USC, is it okay for your marriage to fantasize that your wife is Farrah Fawcett Majors? Paul Lynde:  If that doesn’t work, try Lee Majors!
Peter Marshall:  Paul, what is the primary problem that develops with men’s zippers?Paul Lynde:  Rust.
Peter Marshall: Is it possible to drink too much water?Paul Lynde: Yes, it’s called drowning!
Peter Marshall: During the 18th century it was common for a bride to sell something at her wedding reception to help pay for the cost of the wedding.  What did she sell?  Paul Lynde: Her first born.
Peter Marshall: Pride, anger, covetousness—I can never say that—lust, gluttony, envy, and sloth are collectively known as what?  Paul Lynde: The Bill of Rights.
Peter Marshall: According to the song classic, “Things aren’t always as bad as they seem if you…” do what?  Paul Lynde: Put a bag over her head.
Peter Marshall: In “Alice in Wonderland”, who kept crying “I’m late, I’m late?”Paul Lynde: Alice, and her mother is sick about it.  
Peter Marshall: True or false…research indicates that Columbus liked to wear bloomers and long stockings.Paul Lynde: It’s not easy to sign a crew up for six months…  
Peter Marshall: It’s well known that small amounts of female hormones are found in the male body.  Are male hormones ever found in the female body?Paul Lynde: Occasionally.  
Peter Marshall: In the “Wizard of Oz,” the lion wanted courage and the tin man wanted a heart. What did the scarecrow want?Paul Lynde: He wanted the tin man to notice him.
Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body— what is it?Paul Lynde:  Mine may be abused but it certainly isn’t neglected!
Peter Marshall: Paul, for a thousand dollars and a tie game, according to psychologists, do most people sleep better in their street clothes than in their pajamas?Paul Lynde: Yeah, we call them winos.
Peter Marshall:True or false. George jessel has a 9 year old daughter.Paul Lynde: False. It’s his girlfriend.
Peter Marshall: Eva Gabor says she dislikes a particular word because it signals the end of something that started out so beautifully. What word? Paul Lynde: Pregnant.
Peter Marshall: Paul, what profession is the most common for prostitutes after they retire?Paul Lynde: Smuggling!
 

January 10th, 1982

Death of actor/comedian Paul Lynde

Lynde was a huge part of the original Hollywood Squares TV show, most notably for being barely in the closet about his homosexuality.  His one-liner jokes were some of the filthiest, dirty-minded, black-humored ever aired on network television.  He also served as the inspiration of the alien character Roger on American Dad.  Below are some choice selections of Lynde’s quips from Squares:

Peter Marshall:  According to the old song, “At night, when you’re asleep, into your tent I’ll creep.”  Who am I?
Paul Lynde:  The scoutmaster!

Peter Marshall:  In the movies, Frankenstein’s monster was always big and ugly.  And he had lots of scars.  What was his biggest fear? 
Paul Lynde:  That the girls would be turned off by his big nuts!

Peter Marshall:  According to research at USC, is it okay for your marriage to fantasize that your wife is Farrah Fawcett Majors?
Paul Lynde:  If that doesn’t work, try Lee Majors!

Peter Marshall:  Paul, what is the primary problem that develops with men’s zippers?
Paul Lynde:  Rust.

Peter Marshall: Is it possible to drink too much water?
Paul Lynde: Yes, it’s called drowning!

Peter Marshall: During the 18th century it was common for a bride to sell something at her wedding reception to help pay for the cost of the wedding.  What did she sell? 
Paul Lynde: Her first born.

Peter Marshall: Pride, anger, covetousness—I can never say that—lust, gluttony, envy, and sloth are collectively known as what? 
Paul Lynde: The Bill of Rights.

Peter Marshall: According to the song classic, “Things aren’t always as bad as they seem if you…” do what? 
Paul Lynde: Put a bag over her head.

Peter Marshall: In “Alice in Wonderland”, who kept crying “I’m late, I’m late?”
Paul Lynde: Alice, and her mother is sick about it. 

Peter Marshall: True or false…research indicates that Columbus liked to wear bloomers and long stockings.
Paul Lynde: It’s not easy to sign a crew up for six months…  

Peter Marshall: It’s well known that small amounts of female hormones are found in the male body.  Are male hormones ever found in the female body?
Paul Lynde: Occasionally.  

Peter Marshall: In the “Wizard of Oz,” the lion wanted courage and the tin man wanted a heart. What did the scarecrow want?
Paul Lynde: He wanted the tin man to notice him.

Peter Marshall: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body— what is it?
Paul Lynde:  Mine may be abused but it certainly isn’t neglected!

Peter Marshall: Paul, for a thousand dollars and a tie game, according to psychologists, do most people sleep better in their street clothes than in their pajamas?
Paul Lynde: Yeah, we call them winos.

Peter Marshall:True or false. George jessel has a 9 year old daughter.
Paul Lynde: False. It’s his girlfriend.

Peter Marshall: Eva Gabor says she dislikes a particular word because it signals the end of something that started out so beautifully. What word?
Paul Lynde: Pregnant.

Peter Marshall: Paul, what profession is the most common for prostitutes after they retire?
Paul Lynde: Smuggling!

 

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